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Joke of the Week

"Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money and dance like nobody's watching."

Joke Archives

Prayer for Middle-Agers (and older) (and older)

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked in the first place, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I Knew it...

Bob Stoops (OU coach) and - Mike Gundy (OSU coach) were riding together to a coaches conference and they got in a wreck and both of them died.

They enter the Pearly Gates and God takes
Bob Stoops on his tour of  Heaven first. He shows Bob a little two bedroom house with an old faded Sooner banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God says.

Bob looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge three story mansion with white marble columns. OSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a  huge Pistol Pete banner hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. Why did I get this little two bedroom house with a faded banner, and Mike Gundy gets a mansion with new Pistol Pete banners and OSU flags flying all over the place. "Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile God says, "Son, that's not Mike's house, that's mine."

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"Jesus Is Watching You"

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!"

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?"

The parrot answers "Yes I did."

So the burglar says , "What's your name?"

The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says,

"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

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A Helping Hand?
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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How is Church Like a Football Game?

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play -
What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime -
The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer -
Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion -
Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket -
What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning -
The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay -
The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death -
What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap -
You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run -
Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense -
The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option -
The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz -
The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

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Why not ask why?

1.Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
2.Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
3.Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
4.Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
5.Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
6.Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
7.How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
8.If 7-11 (convenience store) is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
9.If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
10.If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
11.If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
12.If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
13.You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
14.Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
15.Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
16.Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
17.You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
18.Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

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Strike three...yer out!

Q. Do you know where in the Bible baseball is mentioned?
A.Genesis 1:1: "In the big inning . ."

And then there was the day Satan challenged Heaven to a baseball game. St. Peter took a quick look at the rosters and accepted, warning Satan that heaven had all the greatest ball players who ever died.
Satan acknowledged that this was true, but grinning malevolently, he informed St. Peter,"Ahh, but we have a secret weapon!"
Game day arrivce, and St. Peter said, "Well, Satan, where is your secret weapon?'
Replied Satan, "WE have all the umpires!"

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